Two Souls
by qsmadness007
Summary: A songfic with two internal monologues.


Two Souls Disclaimer: The characters' from the Shield are not mine, and I do not own the song Superman, that is owned by Five for Fighting. Author's Note: This is an internal dialogues of two different characters, Dutch Wagenbach, and Julien Lowe. I will mark the individual parts. This takes place sometime during the beginning second season Superman (It's Not Easy)  
  
I can't stand to fly  
  
I'm not that naive  
  
I'm just out to find  
  
the better part of me I'm more than a bird...I'm more than a plane  
  
More than some pretty face beside a train  
  
It's not easy to be me Dutch- I know I am not a superhero. I really don't want to be. I just think that I deserve a little respect. Okay, maybe I don't deserve all the respect in the world. But I am a good detective. I try to be anyway. I know I have my flaws. I have this sense....argh...I am a bit of an overachiever. I have always been. Its not that I had a bad child hood, I really didn't. Okay, my siblings got all the attention, and I only seemed to register on my dad's radar when I got straight As. He had a hard life trying to raise us. And my ex-wife...I tried my best with her. It's not my fault she would rather find comfort in a bottle of whiskey, and the guys she met on the street. I really tried. I did everything I could to make it work, I made sure I came home early as much as possible, and I made dinner when ever she was home. She didn't have to do much. For some reason I have this strange sense of honor. Everyone's wishes come before mine. Even now, with Kim, I am like that. I rarely do things for myself. I don't know what to do sometimes. I need sometime to do things for myself, but she likes to take up my free-time. Not that I am complaining, I have a good life. I don't know sometimes... Julien- Sometimes I hate this job. I came in with the best intentions, and I assumed everyone else would too. In the academy, we got all these lectures about how to be a cop, and to follow the rules, and such. I wanted to change the way this neighborhood is, and I was certain that God had led me on this path. I get confused sometimes though. I am don't know if this is the path for me...to others, I seem a by the book kind of guy, but I picture myself, especially now as somewhat of a demon. Before, I didn't want to be Mackey's friend, because I didn't want to admit we have things in common. The problem is, we do, and I am probably more evil than he is at sometimes. That thing with Tomas shouldn't have never happened. But the things I forget to acknowledge is that there were times when I was with him, I found myself happier than I was in a long time. I tried my best all my life to be there for others. That's one of the reasons, I became a cop, I really do believe there is a reason that our motto is to serve and protect. But I can't really recall when the last time we probably served and protected someone. We all seem to be after our own goals, and only care about our own problems. I thought when I was younger, and desperate to grow up that all the problems we had in life would go away. That we would all become mature, and know how to handle things but...  
  
Wish that I could cry  
  
Fall upon my knees  
  
Find a way to lie  
  
About a home I'll never see It may sound absurd...but don't be naive  
  
Even Heroes have the right to bleed  
  
I may be disturbed...but won't you concede  
  
Even Heroes have the right to dream  
  
It's not easy to be me Dutch- I get too emotionally involved in cases. Maybe I shouldn't. But sometimes I just want to go home, and cry. I don't even remember all the reasons I got into law enforcement. I should have stayed as stupid, and naive as the other people on the street. Only reading about the occasional horrific things, not having to see the crime scenes, watch the autopsy, and watch the look of grief on the family faces. I know that this world is not our own, it belongs to the Lord. I am afraid to go to church though, to show that I am a Christian. I admire Officer Lowe, like he can. I know I don't exactly represent what a Christian is supposed to look and act like. I don't know how to sometimes. I can't just walk into a church and pray. I run out of things to pray sometimes, and sometimes even going by a church makes me just want to crawl into a cave somewhere, and just cry. I can't explain to people my work, and I can't explain that sometimes I blame God for all that is going on. I shouldn't. I just feel like these things shouldn't happen. Other times it's my fault, there have been things I know I should have done, but for some reason I didn't. There are things I know I couldn't do anything about, and it wouldn't have made any difference if I had said anything, -or- done something. I also come back to when I was I was a kid...there were things I wanted to stop, but I couldn't....And I was told that it wasn't my responsibility, but the guilt just seems to hang there...My childhood shouldn't matter though, there are kids now that have so much horrible childhoods' than I have, and I really can't fix that...though I wish I could... I have a lot more to offer than people seem to think, and it saddens me that I am just a clown to them... Julien- I feel so empty sometimes. The tears I keep hidden all my life, when I let them out when I am alone, never work. I feel like I can cry forever. And I am worried sometimes that I am callous, because I feel so empty. I worry about small things, and things just build up, and I want to explode, but I can't. So, I feel parts of myself dying. I want to stay strong, and be strong, and not be lead into temptations. And I ask God for these things, I ask him to worry about things for me, so that I can better serve him, but I am unwilling to let go. I don't know how to let go. I don't know how to make any actions, so that I can be better, so that I can do all he wishes me. I think in some sense, it is because in a way I am selfish. I want to be involved with things, and to fix things, but some of the things I get involved with, are none of my business in the first place. I keep thinking when I first got the temptation to be gay. I should have let it pass, I should have picked up the bible, and read, like part of me was saying. Instead, I chose to go out, and check out this coffee shop, I had heard of. Which is how I met Tomas. In the beginning, I wanted to help Tomas, and I didn't want to admit, that we are alike. I really do care for him but...we are kindred souls in away. We both seem to hold an anger to the world. I am not exactly sure where mine came from. But when we first started talking, I could sense something had happened to him. And he did seem happy when we were together, but I threw it away. Part of me loves him, but part of me was saying that he was corrupting me, and I should let him go...I think he was using me to be his lover, but I should of stepped back, and thought...maybe we should have been friends...everyone can use friends....  
  
Up, up and away...away from me  
  
It's all right...You can all sleep sound tonight  
  
I'm not crazy...or anything... I can't stand to fly  
  
I'm not that naive  
  
Men weren't meant to ride  
  
With clouds between their knees I'm only a man in a silly red sheet  
  
Digging for kryptonite on this one way street  
  
Only a man in a funny red sheet  
  
Looking for special things inside of me Dutch- I have big hopes, and big aspirations, and sometimes even clowns deserve a little bit of respect. I think actually clowns get a little bit more respect than I do. They at least make people happy, and though, I try to make people happy. There is a lot of sadness with this job, and I have let it turn my humor a little dark. Julien- I have been too busy caring about myself, and my image I have failed to see some of the things that were important in life. I am going to try to let Vanessa think I am her friend, and she can tell me anything, not just her husband. I have to remember I can let go as well. It's not easy to be me. 


End file.
